Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
