what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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