totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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