Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
