Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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