last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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