A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
