somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
3 2 1 whiskey
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
