just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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