got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
