Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
