Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
