I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
did i just pee glitter
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
