I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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