I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Houston, we have a blender
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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