Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
