You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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