and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
