I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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