i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
