do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
