I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
