Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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