new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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