Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
