I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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