Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
