So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
