does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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