we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
