Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
