I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
