i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
