he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
