neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
