you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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