And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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