Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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