The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
