i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
