'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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