you mean i was at the winter classic?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Someone came in the potted fern
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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