So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
