I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
