Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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