dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
