Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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