it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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