I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
