Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
