Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so let's talk penis.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
